Lite and heavy thoughts

(Be prepared this is a heavy one.)

A few weeks ago I had the chance to get out and walk around town and take photos of some old buildings for a project. It's amazing the things you don't notice, until you go out looking for them

I have not given up on my blessing posts. I have 4 more planned that I wanted to do. Life somehow got in the way. The inlaws showed up in town. I had a big project hanging over my head. All my kids got sick, and well... life happened. I'll still finish posting them here and there because they are things that I'm incredibly grateful for!

Somehow my kids have gotten sick with something that resembles pink eye but I'm not sure what it is exactly. It starts by their eyes getting red, swelling, then the white parts getting all blood shot, and goopiness. No other signs, till the next day when they get high fevers for a couple of days with no others signs. A day or so later, they have a cough. They are now over the fevers and the eye problems, but still have the cough, with runny noses and head colds. They got it one at a time, had it for 3 days before passing it onto the next kid. Weeks later we are still dealing with it.

It's times like this that you really need to have self discipline. After weeks of whining, grouchiness and clingyness I am finding myself short tempered, no patience, and whining myself. I am in such a need of a break and I am so ready for everyone to be better. It's hard because I know they don't feel well, and they are acting grouchy because mommy is too.

Lately I've had the word 'consecration' on my mind a lot. It all started with reading this
scripture weeks ago. (vs. 9) Then I read an amazing talk on it here. That talk has had me thinking all week about if I'm really consecrating all that I have to the Lord. Do I have other things that are taking up more time and devotion than him, making me not really keeping the the 1st commandment. Am I really giving ALL of me and not just part. My time, my talents, my thoughts, desires, hopes.

I tend to think I'm not. I tend to think that I like my time too much to keep for myself. I'm beginning to think that I spend too much time on things that "don't matter" in the long haul and are really just keeping me from doing what he needs me to do.

I'm realizing that when I get up in the morning my thoughts are "What am I going to do today, what is on my agenda, what am I going to do with my time." When in reality, it's not my time, it's not my day. It should be his. He has specific things he needs me to do, that he wants me to do, and I'm not even giving him a chance to let me know what it is.

I'm beginning to realize how different I would spend my time and energy if I woke up and said a hearfelt prayer asking him "what he needs me to do today." And then really go out and do it. Am I really dedicated to him, his gospel. Am I giving him my all.



A while ago I was studying the Old Testament and was fascinated by the word "Handmaiden." Specifically when it mentioned "a handmaid of the Lord." Mary describes herself as this to Gabrielle when he comes to announce that she is carrying and will deliver the Christ Child. What does it mean?

A handmaid in those days was a servant of the women. Specifically we hear of Rachel and Leah's handmaids, who they offered up to bear children when they were found barren. They could not bear children and wanted a posterity. In those days everything the handmaid was, had or did was literally her masters. It was not hers. Nothing was hers. Nothing. That was why when Rachel gave her handmaid over to bear her children since she couldn't it was as if her handmaid was literally bearing her children, since nothing was the handmaids. It would literally become and be seen as Rachel's child.

I find it interesting then that Mary declares herself a handmaid of the Lord. Here she is showing her upmost submission to the God of Heaven, is saying that everything that she is or would do would be his. She was his, to do as he would like. Complete submission willingly. This term "hand maid of the Lord" is not used very much, only sparingly throughout the scriptures. But Hannah also declares herself one. She gave her all too. She gave up her only child to the Lord to work in the temple. In modern scripture in D&C for those that belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints the Lord calls Emma his handmaiden. We know all that she gave up.

The other most interesting one that is mentioned is in the prophesy in Acts 2:18,of the last days before the second coming when he declares "And on my servants and on my handmaidens I will pour out in those days of my Spirit; and they shall prophesy:"

We are in those last days and he declares that there will be handmaidens. Women of the world who will be good, who will submit their wills, their time, their energy to him and his work. And he shall pour his spirit out among them.

So lately my question would be if I am committed enough, have I submitted my will completely that the lord could call me HIS handmaiden, or am I still too caught up in the world, too caught up in myself, to busy for others, to busy to do his work, or to busy to listen to what he really needs me to do. Am I give my all or am I holding back a part?