Saturday, September 15, 2007
I am exhausted. All day I've been feeling it. Tired from a lot of things really. Tired from lack of sleep. Tired of kids. Tired of running through this crazy week. Tired of not having a better balance of things. Tired of missing quiet moments, with no noise and time to think. Just plain tired.
I've tried to get a lot of things done today but I was just worn ragged. Isaac refused to take a nap which left me frustrated. I've had kids around me all week between my own and extra neighborhood kids. It's been good, but Beau's had a busy week and hasn't had a chance to be around to give me a break. So last night I was feeling that exhausted, super touchy, emotional, I can't handle another whine, tattle, or tantrum from another kid emotions. Today I was still feeling it. I try not to feel exhausted and tired of kids, but it's a reality when your a mom. Beau took Savannah and Mirian with him, and although I had a tired little boy, I realized how much I miss just relaxing, stopping, sitting and thinking. Doing something just for me.
I tried to work on a collection I had in my mind and I just couldn't get it to come out right, so it forced me to pull out a pencil and sketchpad and start drawing. So I sketched for a few minutes, and felt my whole body breathe a sigh of relief. I needed this. A break from the computer, just a pencil and paper. I then felt a need to just emotionally release all the tension that has built up all week, so I went and pounded it out on the piano. Another sigh of relief from the body. Christmas songs in September. There's something about them, the celebration of Christ and the music we sing to remember of it, brought my spirit a huge breath of air. I began to realize that I've been missing those quiet things in my life that let me just sit and be.
After listening to some of my favorite church music I wondered why I do this to myself. Why do I make myself so busy, and set aside those quiet times. Times of respite. Time to think. Time to hear the spirit. Time to ponder. Time to rejuvenate. Why?
So I've made a resolution to not let them pass by me so often, and to start making more time to do so. My neighbor and I had decided to swap an afternoon a week where she would take my kids, and another afternoon I would take her kids. Why? So we could have an afternoon of quiet personal time. To do whatever we wanted to do. I was planning on using this chunk of time to get some design time in. After today, I realized I need to use it more to read a book, go up in the mountains, go to the temple, read some scriptures, or just draw. Something that is to really rejuvenate and fuel myself so I can better a better mom and person. If I just fill it other 'to do' tasks, I'll be cheating myself. So here's to at least one afternoon of quiet time a week.