Wednesday, March 31, 2010

A Broken Heart

This last week has been a difficult week for many reasons. I was expecting a baby and was 14 weeks a long when we found out that the baby didn’t make it. I ended up miscarrying a few hours later and had hoped that we had made it through the worst of it.  Inwardly I was scared to death of repeating the circumstances of my previous miscarriage.  A few days later some of those fears did come to past as I made a trip to the ER after loosing too much blood way too quickly.  It was an evening mixed with so many emotions, fears and flashbacks of a few months previously. Things went smoother, and after getting blood and doing an emergency D&C, I felt tons better.


It has been a week of so many emotions.  Days of exhaustion and adventure in the hospital, only to have the next day arrive with lots of tears and emotions over what all of it meant. It has been interesting to see how my emotions and feelings have varied from the first miscarriage.  This time I needed time alone, I did not want to see people, talk to people, it was too much to be around my kids. I really needed time alone and time to heal. Not just physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I was exhausted.  I was emotionally spent. I just did not have it in me to give to anyone else.

I had questions of what was there to be learned from this 2nd loss. But during some of these down quiet times, when your thoughts have a chance to turn inward, I have pondered more on the Savior. Who he is, what he went through, and how to access the part of the atonement that is not there for the sinner, but is there for the hurt, wounded, and broken hearted.  The part of the atonement that gives strength and solace because he has experienced the pain before.  He understands and because he can understand he can succor me and bound up this broken heart.  He can fill my empty pitcher. He can let me cry and weep along with me. He can give me peace through the Holy Ghost that it will be ok. He can be on my right hand and on my left to bear me up, as I went through the physical trials in the ER. He can calm my fears.  He can give me hope of an incredible future even though this baby won’t be a part of it. 

How grateful I am for him in my life right now. How grateful I am to know of him, know he lives and be able to have him right here through the hard times, rather than going through it a lone.  What a wonderful season to have a miscarriage in as we come upon the celebration of that beautiful Easter morn when he showed us that he overcame death and the world. That he has the ability to mend the broken hearted and heal us if we let him.  That he is the life and the light, and that through him all things are possible.


I hope you take time this Easter season to really ponder who Jesus the Christ really is and what he can do for you in your life right now to heal you.  He has been healing me and has the ability to heal you as well if you only let him.


Honey Mommy said...

This post is both sad and beautiful. It is wonderful that your faith is helping you find peace in this sad time. I hope you feel better both physically and mentally.

Rebekah said...

I know I've told you this before, but you are so amazing. I learn from you every time I read your blog.

Launa said...

I am so sorry Shalae, I know the pain and I am praying for you. I pray the peace of the Lord and healing physically, emotionally, and spiritually. ((((hugs))))

Hawaii Heather said...

First, I want to say I am sorry for your loss.
I also want to say you are an amazing woman and an amazing example to all. I am happy you have a testimony of the Savior and His atonement. I too believe He can heal wounds and make us better. He loves you.
We'll keep you all in our prayers.

Kellie DeMille said...

Oh Shalae, my heart is broken for you! I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for posting about such a heart wrenching thing. We'll keep you and your family in our prayers. I just want to run up to Utah and squeeze the stuffing out of you. You're the BEST!!!

Spencer and Kimberly said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your beautiful testimony.

The Delgado's (all 9 of us) said...

Shalae, I love you! I've been praying for you and your family. Please know I'm here for you, even if it's to release pent up emotions. Thanks goodness for the gospel, for the connection between earth and heaven, and for the Savior who truly knows all things and does not leave us comfortless. Please take care!