Friday, April 15, 2005
A week ago I gave birth to my second daughter, Mirian Marie Tippetts. It was such a neat experience to go through, to see the new life, to see her for the first time. Especially when you have carried her for 9 months, felt her move, listened to her heart, and anticipated what she would look like.
Post Partum blues have a way of making you think about anything and everything. I have never wanted my husband more, his time, his attention, his help, his love. I just want and need him so much. It's been hard because he has had so much to do and so much on his plate, as it's finals time. He is so stressed, and trying to fulfull all his obligations, and it has been hard to feel like since mom has been here to help, that I'm not one of those top obligations. I know that I am, and in his heart I am the most important but it's hard to feel like it when everything else gets all of his time.
With all the feelings and emotions that you feel, I have thought and felt so many different emotions. I have cried over a lot of things. One thing that I think post partum does for you, or at least has done for me this pregnancy is help me see what is really important in life. What will bring me the greatest fulfillment, and make me the most happy. I think the emotions and feelings have hit me harder than last time. I have felt so many emotions about having 2 children. I look at Savannah and cry because she is no longer my baby, my only little girl, and it feels like a loss sort of. I cry hoping I don't loose that bond and strong feeling of her being my first child, finding so much joy in her because she was the only one that had my attention, had all my time, my love.
I've cried over wondering how I can have enough love for both of them, that they feel and know that they are special and have a special place in my heart. It worries me that they won't get as much of my attention as they need and deserve. I wonder how can you do this by adding one more child and one more child. I have just felt this greater urgency and desire to make sure that all my time is spent productively spending time with them. I think of things I was easily distracted with or things I that I was busying myself with, when I only had Savannah, and it makes me hurt to think of time lost, hours lost, being wasted on things that didn't really matter. It was her that really mattered. Her time, seeing her smile, finding joy, learning something new, playing with her mom, feeling like her mom loved her. And now here she is almost two years old and what time was wasted. Now that I have Mirian it really scares and concerns me about making sure that they both have that time and attention now that there are two of them. It has given me a strong desire to drop anything else that I do, that does not involve them. I have no desire to do some of those things I was working on before. Or still wanting to do them, but pushing them aside and making sure that they aren't one of my major priorities. That it does not take up time that is time that could go to my children instead. I want to do better.